Monday, June 4, 2007

the art of the swoop

Im sitting here drinking a beer after having just smoked a few snaps out of my friends new bong. This guy is ruthless. He pretty much changed my outlook on theft in general really. We'll call him Union as that is my nickname (one of many) for him.

Before 2006 I could probably count the amount of things ive stolen on my 10 fingers. I never really felt comfortable putting things in my pocket surreptisiously(?) or stealing things when cameras are around, until I met Union. Some people think this dudes a clepto when I talk about him, but hes really not. Basically, his mentality is that if he can steal it, hed rather do that then pay for it. With everything. Hes fucking Ruthless. He takes it to an odd level too. For example, we were at cold stone creamery the other day getting some ice cream. The girl gave him his ice cream and he went and sat down without paying. This creates a pretty awkward situation. This tactic of his puts a lot of pressure on the person waiting on him. If theyre a dumbass and the place is busy, theres a good chance they wont even realize he hasnt payed. In this case the girl was staring him down as he sat there and ate it, while he avoided any eye contact and acted completely casual. A timid person wont even call him out here. I could see the girls inward struggle as she stared him down, until finally, "excuse me, thats 4.95"-"Oh right, here you go" Ruthless.

For the most part his thievery takes place in grocery stores and clothing stores. He is also really good at stealing expensive shoes. Go into the place with a cheap pair of flip flops, get some shoes, try them on, ask the guy to get a diff. size, stroll out of the store briskly. haha. He is also ingenious with stickers. I didnt realize how easy it is to take the sticker off a set of 50$ sheets and place it over the sticker of a 250$ set of sheets and 99% of the time the person at the register wont notice.

I broke my swooping (our word for stealing) cherry at the grocery store. Basically, myself and Union swoop meat like you wouldnt believe. I eat filet mignon, new york, dry-aged ribeye steaks at least 3 times a week. Its incredibly easy to swoop a 50$ steak at some of these stores in california. I have to shower and go to my friend COOPs house now, but I will delve into the art of swooping further in posts to come. I could go on for a long time on this topic, and I will.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

I hate blue balls

So she finally texts me. Im at my friends downtown watching that show on spiketv The Ultimate Fighter. The text says something like "where are you I want to hang out" hmm. Ive noticed when she sends aggressive texts like this shes usually drunk. I tell her what im doing and that ill be back at my apt. in an hour. "No I want to hang out now"

I dont reply right away in fact I wait until im back at my apt before bothering. Im still wondering what my night with this chik will look like. She sends some more texts that are slowly becoming unintelligible. looks like shes pretty drunk. damn. turns out shes at a party right next to my apt complex. I finally meet her outside and escort her back to my place. Shes walking like a toddler thats been sniffing Ether. or something. I ask her how much she drank she says 5 shots in 30 minutes. Not the best idea for a 105lb girl. but shes so fucking cute. she has work at 7 in the morning and shes all fucked up so i dont even try. you have to be pretty sleezy to make moves on a chik when shes in that state. we end up passing out in my bed 2am style. raging boner from midnight to when she leaves. hate that.